I was pregnant 3 times last year. Miscarried all of them early on. once in April, then again in July, and then in October. I was really trying to get pregnant so we just kept trying.. Oh wait..
We always try;)
They all happened before the heart started to beat, that is before the 6Th week of your last Mp. When the first 2 happened I was OK, I just moved on, but the 3rd time in October, it hurt my heart.
I had known for a long time that our LITTLE family is not complete. That I am meant to have 1 more child down here on earth, and that I was suppose to birth it.
I almost gave up, I just couldn't take another miscarriage, the physical pain you go through, the contractions for 3 days with a out come of NO baby. The emotional pain was more painful. What is wrong with me? Did something happen from Kono's twin, that now I can't be pregnant anymore?
I was OK with it, if that was the plan. I fasted and prayed, had went to the Temple and conversed with the Lord. I begged and begged him, that if my family was complete, to please no more pregnancy's.
December came around and a couple of times my husband asked if I was pregnant. I just laughed and said no.. I didn't think anything of it.
This is probably TMI for men reading, but you all know that I am way too open, so I will go for it. My Decembers (.) was not normal. It was only about 3 days long, which is NOT normal for me. But I just shoved it off, I didn't feel pregnant, and with this many kids and pregnancies, I KNOW WHEN MY BODY IS EXPECTING VERY EARLY ON.
Life went on, I had my surgery, I told them no, I was not pregnant.
But this time at the end of January, I miss the (.) friend coming to visit. I had mixed feelings, I tried not to get happy about it, for if I let me guard down, and let my emotions take over, for I didn't want to go through the emotions of the excitement only to be shut down again.
All along I knew I very well could have been 4 weeks more than I thought, even though before that missed (.) I didn't think I was. So I would tell the select few that knew I was either 6weeks or 10 weeks, and so on and so on. I really didn't know I was and would not have done the surgery if I'd really known that I was pregnant, although the doctor said the miscarriage had nothing to do with it or the medicine I took afterwards.
Around 5 weeks pregnant(or 9weeks) was the most stressful time for me, not only did I have horrible huge headaches like I did with the boys, but my stress level was maxed out. For this was about the time 5 to 6 weeks the other 3 had happened.
6 week went by (or 10 weeks), I celebrated to myself, I jumped for joy, the chances were going down of having a miscarriage. I wanted to tell everyone, but I held back, still trying to keep my guard up.
I prayed and fasted and prayed and went to the Temple again. I have received the answer I'd been looking for, You will keep this child and it will be healthy.
I was so excited and thought that I should tell a couple people. I did. 7,8,9 weeks came by and life was good, beside the headaches, and a bit sick in the night time. I texted my sister at 10 weeks, saying "I am in the double digits, only 2 more weeks to go before the stress can be gone" knowing that it might very well could have been 14 weeks. I didn't go to the doctor, because if I was only 10, my doctor doesn't see people until the 10Th week, I had my appointment to go visit him the day after I miscarried.
Well 10 weeks and 2 days went by (or 14 weeks and 2 days). It was your everyday ordinary day, after school did all my driving, errands, and such. I had to drop the little ones off at grandmas house, so that me and grandma could go visit a woman in need who just got out of the hospital. I got Elaiasi out of the car, reached over to get Kono, and felt a gush of water come out. I was confused, shocked. I hurried them into grandmas house, not knowing what I would find as I headed to the bathroom. a huge blood clot, with a little bit of blood. I was in a daze, I was scared and horrified, that what just had happened. I hurried outside while grandmas was getting ready, and dialed my husbands phone. I told him what had happened he told me to go lay down and rest, and that he would be home in a minute. I didn't I still needed to go visit this wonderful lady. I chose just to go. I do not regret it, the feeling of a friend in times of trials, is one to cherish, and I didn't want to take that chance away!
But- the whole time, all I could think about was what had just happened, I tried not to play into it to much, because that was all there was, no more blood was showing up, no cramping. nothing.
As I got home, I rested, and my husband asked if we should go to the hospital, there is not really much anyone can do, if your going to miscarry, that is what is going to happen. It is God's plan, and no one can interfere with that.
That night as I was going to sleep. All the kids were in bed, and the blood started to flow. I sat and cried, and cried and cried, all night long, till about 3 when I fell asleep.
Why? I got your answer Heavenly Father. It was not mine, I was hesitant, you comforted me and told me it was OK, that everything would be OK with this pregnancy.. not me.
I was devastated. As my husband came home, he asked again if we should go to the hospital, I again said no, with my same reply. So he went to take a nap, and I went to take care of the kids. After lunch time, I started bleeding heavily. I was changing pads every 15 minutes. Then huge blood clots started to come heavily, and I started to worry. I had heard about hemorrhaging and to worry if you changed your pad every hour. I put 2 and 2 together. I went into my bedroom and called my doctors office, they told me "GET TO THE ER" RIGHT AWAY!
I still tried to make excuse that it wasn't as bad as everyone thought. "I'll be alright, once the baby passes, it will slow down,I will be OK". As I walked out of the bathroom, my husband woke up, I told him what was going on, and at that point, he jumped out of bed, called the girls to get the boys ready and the diaper bag ready. We headed out the car for the hospital. We dropped the kids off at grandmas house, and on our way we went.
from our house to the hospital was about 20 minutes. the car seat I was on, was covered in blood, I hurried in all embarrassed, threw my husbands hoody over my butt and ran inside to change. I got checked in, and they told me it would probably be 1 to 2 hour wait....
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
After they took my vitals, it was 20 minutes, and in that 20 minutes I had to keep going to the triage center to get more pads. 4 pads in 20 minutes, every pad leaked down my legs and I was in shorts. I had never been embarrassed so bad in my life.
After the 4Th time in 20 minutes to the triage center, I asked light headed and dizzy, how much longer it would be that I didn't know how much I could stand this. She looked at the board and replied "about 40 minutes to an hour".. As I walked back, I took 3 steps and I felt like someone open the flood gates. blood went EVERYWHERE. I stood in a pile of blood that was as big as a coffee table all over the floor. The workers hit a button. and nurses and Doctors ran to rescue me. Phew!
Ha! that is all I can say to the workers who made me wait. Who probably was grossed out by the swimming pool of blood on the floor. oh well, it's their job right!
They put me on a bed, and of course took my vitals, that were still in tact, and started my IV. They had me take off my clothes and get on to a yucky square pad that is about as the length of the bed, but only about hmmm a foot long. they had three of them around me. As I kept thinking they better hurry back before I bleed to death, about 20 minutes had passed before someone came into my room, all the pads were soaked, even the entire bed, so bad that the bed was dripping all over the floor.
They rushed me into ultrasound so they could look at the position of the baby, He was there, lifeless, no heartbeat.. BUT-------
I WAS NOT 10 WEEKS AS I THOUGHT,
I WAS 14 WEEKS.
I really hate looking at babies in my stomach that had been alive, that weren't anymore, I broke down, I was bawling, not so much just this one, but it brang back horrible memories of Kono's twin. From the ultrasound he measured about 13weeks and 6 days, which means he died 4 days before I miscarried. I should have seen the signs, this baby made me hate chocolate, and I was ok with eating it again the day before I miscarried, it wouldn't have changed anything anyways and no sense of going back and regretting things.
They rushed me back in, and grabbed another vital sign. I don't remember much after this point, but I do remember looking up at that monitor, and seeing 80/40. I remember asking for a blessing, and I remember my husbands and the doctors hands laying on my head. but that is it.
They couldn't wheel me in for surgery, I had lost too much blood, and my BP was too low. They gave me blood, and fixed my BP so that I could withstand the anaesthesia. Once that was up, the Doctor gave the Go, my doctor was there, and they rushed me up to the OR. lol I guess I was in and out while they were putting my OR hat on, I guess I said some funny things, probably not, probably just Maka making fun of me. I was in there for a short time, about 30 minutes I guess, but it took me 3 hours in the recovery room. What Can I say, My body doesn't like to be put under, even my husband told them about the last one in January and asked if I didn't have to be put under so deeply. lol ok just keep me awake.. lol
The procedure went great, so I have been told, nothing is wrong with me, and they couldn't see anything wrong with baby. I am still able to have more children, and I am thankful for that opportunity.
At this point, I have no feeling towards that plan. I haven't prayed about it. I am not angry at my Heavenly Father, I just am numb, my emotions are not here. and I want to be 100% when I converse with my husband and HIM about it.
My husband has been great through all of this. For heavens sake, he had to sit and watch his wife of 7 children, with 5 of them being girls, almost die.
After surgery, I was OK, my BP stayed around 90/40-50. About 6am, I finally came to, enough that I could carry on a conversation. I stood up, and said.. "I have to Pee".. of course!
I am fine, sorry this is long, I want this to be in my journal, and guess what you read my journal, the good the bad and the ugly. I am still weak physically speaking, but am gaining strength every day. Emotionally I am not quite there yet, but also am getting stronger everyday. I need to go visit the Temple but I will when I recover.
I know that their are hardships we go through, some people feel like some take on more than others. I am thankful for when I am weak, my husband is my strength. I am thankful to know that God has a plan, and even though we don't know what that plan is, or even don't like what is going on, or don't think it is fair, it is.. Some people go through more trials that other because I feel we need to learn. I haven't learnt all that I am suppose to, so the trials will still come. But with our own trials will come tribulations. I am very thankful to be a member of my church, and I am thankful for Joseph Smith, with out him I wouldn't live here on this earth with the fullness of the Gospel.
It will take me awhile to learn from this, but I know when I do, I will have clarity and move forward in my own progression in life.
I am thankful for my family who supports me, and my 2ND family (my ward), and my friends in life and on the web. I have grown to love all blogs, face book and some twitter people, and consider them part of my family too.
I hope with reading this, that you will become strengthened from it, that what ever trial you are faced with or adversary in your life, that I hope you know that you WILL over come it, some might take more time that others, some will hurt more than others, but together as Children of God, We can comfort each other and help each other through the hard times, so that we can grow closer to our Heavenly Father.
Thanks if you made it through this.. whoa.. never blogged so much at one time.. I hate long posts.. sooooo
Give me a prize! :)
Can't wait to show you all tomorrow what a great mom I am!!! whoot whoot!
oku ou ofa lahi atu kiate kimoutolu