Sunday, May 16, 2010

MOnday Memories

Mothers Day was a joke... No kidden

I don't expect much or anything from my husband from any kind of holiday. It is not that he is a mean person, Tongans just don't get it! (there are a few that have caught on, but not many) ;)

Those select few times he has done something for me it has been awkward anyways, it was a "had to cuz everyone pressured me into it) type of thing. Don't get me wrong, I love it when he does, it is just weird cuz he never does lol

Anyways, that was only a jiff of it.

My "friend" finally came back after my horrible experience of the emergency D&C.. On Mothers day no less. So your asking what is wrong with that... Nothing except some people forgot to tell me that it would probably be the most horrible one in my life, that I would practically hemorrhage again, and that it was painful. ugh

Just what I needed.

I am not going to lie.. This miscarriage has been so dang hard on me, physically and emotionally.

I am right back to normal physically, just not emotionally.

I got angry after this one, I think even with Kono's twin was easier, because I got to carry him in my stomach after he passed (weird i know) and I got to give birth to him and tell him goodbye.

Not with this little boy.. I was rushed and didn't get to say goodbye to him, there was no time, too many nurses and doctors surrounding me, until it was too late.

Right after I was mad at the world. I closed the doors, I closed up shop. No one was getting in to my feelings, not my husband, not Heavenly FAther. I stopped praying, We still had family prayer and husband/wife prayer, but not personal,not that I lost faith in him, I just went cold.

Then one day I was sitting in the living room with my boys, when Elaiasi came up to me and said... Mom- Heavenly Father misses you.. I broke down and cried. We at that point knelt down and prayed and that is when the healing began.

I know this was Heavenly Fathers Plan, I know I should be over it but I am not. Mothers Day, brought back raw emotions.. I wasn't suppose to get my friend back, I wasn't suppose to until I gave birth. As everyone at church told me Happy Mothers day, the pain got tighter and tighter. It was a reality check.. I am not healed. I wanted to be a mother to another child here on this earth. I know with out a shadow of a doubt that it will happen, I feel a soul reaching for me. We just have to give it time, give me time to heal. I need my Heavenly Father, I knew that, I asked his forgiveness and we are bff's again. The good thing is that I have a husband who is my rock and a Father in Heaven who is my light.

The kids knew I was sad, I tried not to let it get in their way of making me the cutest card out of a card board box sheet, put all their hand prints on it, and such a cute poem on it..

I love my family.. We might not be the perfect family, the best family, but This is MY perfect family;) and I am thankful everyday with what I have..

What a way to come back right.. bla bla bla

I am so thankful for my husband to lead my family in these last days, I see the light in his eyes and he counsels with me and the children. I am thankful for my children, who are little angels that can yell and scream louder than ANYONE I know. I am thankful to be apart of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I am thankful it is warming up a bit...

What a downer post to make a come back right? bla bla bla

don't worry, no more downers..

only uppers!

8 coments:

F-A-N-G-U-P-O said...

Oh, I'm so sorry Devri....I didn't know you were going through a miscarriage. I can sympathize with you cause I've had's honestly the most painful thing, both physically and emotionally! I'm glad you have Maka and all your beautiful children to be there for you! Your son is too cute....glad he was able to help you get back w/ your bff!! :)

See u next weekend @ the CBC!! YAY!

hoLLy said...

do not apologize for a "downer" post, it wasn't a downer. you only inspire devri! i'm really really sorry you had a crappy mother's day and that your "friend" came back. sucks!!!! life just sucks sometimes but with your attitude, you will get through it a stronger you. praying that things get better and that you get to mommy another baby here on earth soon. i know you definitely will-hang in there my friend! HUGS

Liz said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling like that. I hate when things like that happen. I had a miscarriage about the same time as you, but I was not as far along as you. But what made me more sad/scared is that when I went back in my dr says with my history of miscarriages and blood, I am not out of that zone until I am 20 weeks so doesn't make it easier to want to try again.

I am glad you are back. I have missed your posts. I know how you feel about mothers day!

Keep your head high.. How sweet of your son to tell you heavenly father misses you!!

Kristina P. said...

Mother's Day can really suck, can't it? Sorry it was sucky for you.

gigi said...

Honest is always the best and the only way to go. Love you girl, you have been through a lot. Make it a GREAT week!

M-Cat said...

The only place you have to go is UP right?

Way to have a great attitude

Melody said...

I hear ya sister I sometimes hate mothers day too, (LONG story) but things will get better I know just have faith!

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

What a sweet post and what a tender mercy from the Lord to hear that from your son! It gets better! :) Hugs!